On Dancing With Your Wife

It remains one of the most surprising things in the world to see a man dancing with his wife. For the fact that as time goes, and as the marriage advances in years, the man takes his marriage too seriously. And by doing so, takes his wife less seriously. But we can see that this is hardly his fault. For at least one reason: the modern world takes itself too seriously; as you see in books about everything and about books on marriages. 

I think fairy tales are better marriage books. Marriage books are, however, good business books. They begin very seriously, like a chief executive welcoming his apprentices. And they end even more seriously; like a chief executive sacking his apprentices. But between this stern start and Armageddonish end of the book, you have litters of stories which describe a fanciful goal and a few plans on how to achieve this goal. Goals which resemble treating your marriage like it were a business or an empire, stealing words like “nobility” along the way to describe this unwarranted loftiness. I sometimes think that these authors, should they ever officiate a wedding, should offer the new couple the latest spreadsheet and presentation softwares as business bonuses — sorry, I meant marriage bonuses. The advice is usually similar to what you have in business books: "take every Tuesday to sit and talk," "be deliberate about budgeting," "have family meetings," "be honest with your flaws," "plan hard for the future," "commend then criticize;" and you know them. But not once have I seen an advice that says "from time to time, dance with one another."

I get the feeling that the authors think dancing with your wife or husband is a less serious affair than budgeting your finances. But that is simply because he is mistaken. Dancing with your wife is a vastly more serious thing than budgeting your finances for the month. For the attitude that budgeting is the more serious affair assumes that your marriage is the most serious thing here that ought to be saved. But he has forgotten that without your wife there is no marriage. Thus, dancing with your wife, making her feel exhilarated and young, making her feel whole and light, making her want to dance some more, making her looking forward to dancing is a better marital drug than sitting every Tuesday in that grief-filled conference where you complain about your wife's farting and your husband's snoring. However, Torture Tuesday could become less torturous when you know that after telling your wife about her stinking farts, you have to dance with her. No business book would tell you this: dancing with a woman whose fart stinks reminds you that you dance with a human to be loved rather than a Madonna to be hallowed. It is much much harder to love a flawed human than to adore an angel. Everyone who ever saw an angel immediately wanted to worship. Anyone who lives with another human being at some point nurses the desire to shoot him. However, dancing with your wife makes it easier to love her as a human being.

A man who dances with his bride on their wedding day dances with a version of her that has been idealised and transfigured by the ecstasy of the ceremony and the cheerful guests. But the man who dances with his wife, ten years after, without an ecstatic audience, after all the co-nagging, co-bickering, co-snoring, co-snorting and joint-farting dances with a real version of her. He has come to rest in the truth of who she is. He has come to embrace what is real over what is ideal. To make peace with the real, to love it and not be disappointed by it, is courage. And what does marriage need more than courage to tackle your problems? It is courage that spurs a man to pack his briefcase or gun to go hunt for their daily bread. Nothing supplies courage like prayer, a dance, finished off with a kiss.

Still, don't you know that dancing takes lightness of heart? And that it is only a light heart that can offer forgiveness and grace to cover one's flaws? Have you never realised that when two people dance, you don't need them both to be good dancers? You only need one of them to be a good dancer to make that dance session worthwhile. And it is good for the man to be the better dancer. That way, he can lead his woman and cover her flaws as a bad dancer so long as she follows his steps. If he does that while dancing — a light-hearted activity, he can do it when they argue—which is a more serious affair.

Yet, if the woman is the better dancer, all is well: the man may seek to complement her steps the best way he can. Or cheer her on. What could go wrong?

And still yet, if both of them are terrible dancers, all the more better. They should enjoy themselves without care as long as they dance terribly together. They should lose all sense of rhythm as long as they lose it together. They may go mad; as long as they go mad together. All that matters is that they are doing it together. So far as they dance to music with soul and not jargon.

And what should we say when the children see their father dancing with their mother? They may either giggle or be disgusted. I have not yet decided which is better: making a child giggle or causing him to be disgusted.

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